I think I won the penis lottery.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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