There was a lot of him and a little penis
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
