i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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