Sorry, I don't speak sober.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
