im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
