I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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