i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
