turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
bring money and cleavage
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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