Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
