I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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