Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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