I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
