Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
