So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
