he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
