Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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