She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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