I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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