Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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