i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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