I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
