He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
