why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
