i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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