I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
