You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i was born a porn star she said
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
