I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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