I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
