i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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