Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
