I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
