I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
