dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
