Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
