if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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