Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
