Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
