vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
