cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
