Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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