when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize