i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
