Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
