I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
