You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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