hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
