I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
