I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
