We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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