i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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