I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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