all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
