I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
