Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
