I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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