Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
