When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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