last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You made out with two different species that night
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
